Another depature

Today I found out that Jeffrey left us on Wednesday.  I have spent all afternoon consumed with thoughts of him, and my regrets.  His passing leaves me thinking of my dad, as well.  First, that is just how death works now.  Someone dies, I feel the searing pain of the loss of him.  Second, he knew Jeffrey, and would be deeply hurting over this loss.  If he were here, we would be on the phone discussing this tragedy, and he would be marveling over Jeffrey's mom, and what she has been asked to live through.  But he's not here, and instead all I can think is that my dad grudgingly welcomed Jeff last week.  I hope my dad knows how lucky he is to have his company....he has got a contagious laugh, is wise beyond his years, a Dean in '04 fan, funny, forgiving, anti-war, inspiring, well-read, and always a Redskins fan.   

MD Basketball

I used to watch Maryland basketball with him all the time.  It was another sports thing that we would do together.  He followed both the womens and the mens team so closely that he would follow the kids being recruited out of high school.  I wasn't quite that intense about it, but I did love to watch the games with him.  If I couldn't be over with him, we'd call each other. Especially during the MD/Duke games.   In the last few years, I made it his "job" to call me the day of a MD basketball game....because I couldn't keep track of their schedule.  Sometimes, he would forget to call me and my phone would ring at 10:00 at night....it would be him.  He'd say "you aren't going to be happy with me" in a very serious tone.  I'd say "what, Dad?" He'd say "well, as it turns out, Maryland played tonight, and I'm calling you to let you know, only the game ended about 5 minutes ago."  And then he'd do his laugh.  Since he's been gone, I can't keep track of these games, these guys, or any of it.  I know he would want me to be on it, but so far I have let him down.  

It was the best of times....

This book jumped off the shelf of a random used book store I visited.  It's a book I have never read, but it reminds me of him.  This book is a key prop in a hilarious Cheers episode, when Frazier tries to elevate the bar-folk's classic-lit knowledge by reading "A Tale of Two Cities."  Of course this scene plays out hilariously, which always makes me think of my dad.  Then, this book was referenced during my dad's now-famous "Great Depression Interview" with a friend's daughter.  She needed to present her research as 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...."  I remember when my friend asked me if my dad would be interviewed, I told her "yes, but he will say everything was fine and dandy" because my dad never did complain about any of the "hard times" whether it be the Depression, loss of family members, troubled times, or even cancer.  And of course when this book came up in the interview, we had a good laugh about Cheers, and then he went on to say that it was true.....that great goodness came out of those hard times, including a lot of what has formed him as a s person.  Yes, it was the best of times.

Spots in My Mind

The last time I took the train down here, it was to visit him for his birthday. Every time after, I drove.  It was his 76th birthday, and when I got off the train, he was standing right there at that tall blue pole.  The whole trip down, I was so worried about how he would look, as it had been too long since I had last seen him.  I was walking from this same direction, and  when I saw him, standing there-by himself-looking for me, he looked so good.  I remember a true wave of relief going through my body.  He had one arm crossed across his belly, and the other one leaning on it, with his and up stroking his chin, as if pensive.  When he saw me, he smiled.......that smile.  What an empty and hollow this arrival was, knowing he wouldn't be there.  Knowing that it's all over.  That look, that smile, that hug.....it is a spot& moment that will forever be in my mind's memory.

I am waiting here....

The Long & Winding Road (the beatles)

The long and winding road

That leads to your door

Will never disappear

I've seen that road before

It always leads me here

Lead me to your door

The wild and windy night

That the rain washed away

Has left a pool of tears

Crying for the day

Why leave me standing here

Let me know the way

Many times I've been alone

And many times I've cried

Anyway you'll never know

The many ways I've tried

And still they lead me back 

To the long winding road

You left me standing here

A long long time ago

Don't leave me waiting here

Lead me to your door

But still they lead me back

To the long winding road

You left standing here

A long long time ago

Don't keep me waiting here

Lead me to your door

Snickers

My dad loved himself some snickers.  During one part of his life, he would eat a king size snickers bar, every day.  It was, hands down, his favorite candy bar.  Each year, at Christmas, he would wrap the mini-size, pictured above, and put them in our stockings.  When we would open them, he would say things like "maybe Santa put that in the wrong stocking" or "if you want help with that, just let me know" - and he'd crack himself up with this, each and every year. He'd sit in his chair, while in his pajamas, with his knees up laughing and laughing, as if he never done this same joke before.  The holidays will never ever be the same now that he is gone.  

And so it goes

There continues to be these days of wonderful sky where the beams come shining through.  I know it's not "him" him, but it always makes me stop whatever I'm doing and think of him.  It grounds me for a moment, and helps me take stock of whatever my current reality happens to be...and it calms me.  So these sky pictures keep getting posted.  This picture was taken just before my friend pulled a major "Clemmie" with his act of extreme grace and my cousin saying he sees a resemblance in me to my dad and granddaddy.  He is always with me.  Always.

Folk Songs

I went to see self-proclaimed "Folksinger/Agitator," Anne Feeney tonight.  The connection is mainly through my mom, but I ended up thinking of him a lot.  I was there with one of my dad's closest friends, and I got lots of compliments on my hat-my dad's.  But really, I had to fight back tears as she sang her one Irish song of the night.  It took me back to my dad's pub and when he would have his performers there-of which she was one, way back in the day.  Between her Irish Lass accent, and her amazing expressions, I felt like I was sitting in my dad's pub-drinking O'Douls.  She made a point to tell me "how much fun he was."  The past tense just sucks.

He would have wanted to see this

The day the world changed, 11/4/08.  I was overcome with emotion at the fact that we elected Barack Obama president.  I was even more overcome by the spontaneous street celebration that gathered.  I stood at times paralyzed with emotion, wishing he was here to have seen this, to see the action on TV, to be on the other end of the line, to see the pictures, and to just be with me during this outcome.  Unfortunately, the day MY world changed has already come, and he is not here.  He would have LOVED Tuesday night, for so many reasons.  I held him in my heart the entire time.  

RS & Fall

This is a picture I took driving 75 mph past a Russell Stovers billboard.  I pass this billboard so often on road trips headed south, and I never seem to miss it.....and it always makes me think of my dad-even before he got sick.  This picture, though not great also captured some of the coloring trees, which is the only reason I decided to post it.  My dad loved Fall, and the loveliness of the slow differences each day brought to these trees around here.  Though he wasn't overly-sentimental about things, he really did love the colors, and it had been quickly becoming my favorite time of year.  Now, it just seems much harder because every beautiful leaf I see makes me think of him, and that is not overstated.  So as I drove down south this weekend, I thought of him, the whole way.  Between the nature, beauty, and sports of the season......it's all a little bit overwhelming this time around.