Spots in My Mind

The last time I took the train down here, it was to visit him for his birthday. Every time after, I drove.  It was his 76th birthday, and when I got off the train, he was standing right there at that tall blue pole.  The whole trip down, I was so worried about how he would look, as it had been too long since I had last seen him.  I was walking from this same direction, and  when I saw him, standing there-by himself-looking for me, he looked so good.  I remember a true wave of relief going through my body.  He had one arm crossed across his belly, and the other one leaning on it, with his and up stroking his chin, as if pensive.  When he saw me, he smiled.......that smile.  What an empty and hollow this arrival was, knowing he wouldn't be there.  Knowing that it's all over.  That look, that smile, that hug.....it is a spot& moment that will forever be in my mind's memory.

I am waiting here....

The Long & Winding Road (the beatles)

The long and winding road

That leads to your door

Will never disappear

I've seen that road before

It always leads me here

Lead me to your door

The wild and windy night

That the rain washed away

Has left a pool of tears

Crying for the day

Why leave me standing here

Let me know the way

Many times I've been alone

And many times I've cried

Anyway you'll never know

The many ways I've tried

And still they lead me back 

To the long winding road

You left me standing here

A long long time ago

Don't leave me waiting here

Lead me to your door

But still they lead me back

To the long winding road

You left standing here

A long long time ago

Don't keep me waiting here

Lead me to your door

Snickers

My dad loved himself some snickers.  During one part of his life, he would eat a king size snickers bar, every day.  It was, hands down, his favorite candy bar.  Each year, at Christmas, he would wrap the mini-size, pictured above, and put them in our stockings.  When we would open them, he would say things like "maybe Santa put that in the wrong stocking" or "if you want help with that, just let me know" - and he'd crack himself up with this, each and every year. He'd sit in his chair, while in his pajamas, with his knees up laughing and laughing, as if he never done this same joke before.  The holidays will never ever be the same now that he is gone.  

And so it goes

There continues to be these days of wonderful sky where the beams come shining through.  I know it's not "him" him, but it always makes me stop whatever I'm doing and think of him.  It grounds me for a moment, and helps me take stock of whatever my current reality happens to be...and it calms me.  So these sky pictures keep getting posted.  This picture was taken just before my friend pulled a major "Clemmie" with his act of extreme grace and my cousin saying he sees a resemblance in me to my dad and granddaddy.  He is always with me.  Always.

Folk Songs

I went to see self-proclaimed "Folksinger/Agitator," Anne Feeney tonight.  The connection is mainly through my mom, but I ended up thinking of him a lot.  I was there with one of my dad's closest friends, and I got lots of compliments on my hat-my dad's.  But really, I had to fight back tears as she sang her one Irish song of the night.  It took me back to my dad's pub and when he would have his performers there-of which she was one, way back in the day.  Between her Irish Lass accent, and her amazing expressions, I felt like I was sitting in my dad's pub-drinking O'Douls.  She made a point to tell me "how much fun he was."  The past tense just sucks.

He would have wanted to see this

The day the world changed, 11/4/08.  I was overcome with emotion at the fact that we elected Barack Obama president.  I was even more overcome by the spontaneous street celebration that gathered.  I stood at times paralyzed with emotion, wishing he was here to have seen this, to see the action on TV, to be on the other end of the line, to see the pictures, and to just be with me during this outcome.  Unfortunately, the day MY world changed has already come, and he is not here.  He would have LOVED Tuesday night, for so many reasons.  I held him in my heart the entire time.  

RS & Fall

This is a picture I took driving 75 mph past a Russell Stovers billboard.  I pass this billboard so often on road trips headed south, and I never seem to miss it.....and it always makes me think of my dad-even before he got sick.  This picture, though not great also captured some of the coloring trees, which is the only reason I decided to post it.  My dad loved Fall, and the loveliness of the slow differences each day brought to these trees around here.  Though he wasn't overly-sentimental about things, he really did love the colors, and it had been quickly becoming my favorite time of year.  Now, it just seems much harder because every beautiful leaf I see makes me think of him, and that is not overstated.  So as I drove down south this weekend, I thought of him, the whole way.  Between the nature, beauty, and sports of the season......it's all a little bit overwhelming this time around.

The Days of Wine and Roses

The days of wine and roses laugh and run away

Like a child at play

Through a meadow land toward a closing door

A door marked "nevermore"

That wasn't there before

The lonely night discloses just a passing breeze

Filled with memories

Of the golden smile that introduced me to

The days of wine and roses....

and you

I love this song and I have always loved this movie.  This is on the "Soundtrack of His Life" and the song has new meaning to me now.  Almost every single day exposes a hole that if he were here he would fill.  Tonight it's Obama news and the conclusion of the world series.  Instead I have this sky that spent most of the day outside my window, and him in my dream last night.  I don't want to say it's not enough, because I'll take whatever I can get.  But it sure doesn't feel like the days of wine and roses.

Beach (2)

Since he left, whenever I see 'beautiful' I think of him.....even if it isn't related to him.  Tonight, here are the colors of things, just before sundown.  Seeing this loveliness makes me think of him.  But that is the regular course of things, I think of him no matter where I am.  In fact, after three days at the beach, I have thought of him countless times.  Whether it be the sausage conversation, the emergence of long johns fashion, the cold wind that he would describe as "chills you to the bone" wind, or the book A Separate Peace referencing,  "he being present all the moments of all the days" and an inability "to refer to him in the past tense."   And of course to the realization that even when I wake up from a vacation nap, reality hasn't changed, and he is still gone.  

Beach

Last year when I told my dad I had decided to skip my annual beach trip, he was visibly surprised and disappointed for me.  He knows I love the trip, and that I make it every year, with good friends.  I look back and wonder if he thought I thought something would go wrong and that is why I decided to stay.  But it was not.  I just wanted to be with him.  The beach could wait.  And it did.....here I am.  It was of course the right decision.  This morning I thought, it's a strange feeling to be grateful to be here, because of course a big part of me still wishes I was there, with him.  I'll try not to over think it and just enjoy my waves.