The Days of Wine and Roses

The days of wine and roses laugh and run away

Like a child at play

Through a meadow land toward a closing door

A door marked "nevermore"

That wasn't there before

The lonely night discloses just a passing breeze

Filled with memories

Of the golden smile that introduced me to

The days of wine and roses....

and you

I love this song and I have always loved this movie.  This is on the "Soundtrack of His Life" and the song has new meaning to me now.  Almost every single day exposes a hole that if he were here he would fill.  Tonight it's Obama news and the conclusion of the world series.  Instead I have this sky that spent most of the day outside my window, and him in my dream last night.  I don't want to say it's not enough, because I'll take whatever I can get.  But it sure doesn't feel like the days of wine and roses.

Beach (2)

Since he left, whenever I see 'beautiful' I think of him.....even if it isn't related to him.  Tonight, here are the colors of things, just before sundown.  Seeing this loveliness makes me think of him.  But that is the regular course of things, I think of him no matter where I am.  In fact, after three days at the beach, I have thought of him countless times.  Whether it be the sausage conversation, the emergence of long johns fashion, the cold wind that he would describe as "chills you to the bone" wind, or the book A Separate Peace referencing,  "he being present all the moments of all the days" and an inability "to refer to him in the past tense."   And of course to the realization that even when I wake up from a vacation nap, reality hasn't changed, and he is still gone.  

Beach

Last year when I told my dad I had decided to skip my annual beach trip, he was visibly surprised and disappointed for me.  He knows I love the trip, and that I make it every year, with good friends.  I look back and wonder if he thought I thought something would go wrong and that is why I decided to stay.  But it was not.  I just wanted to be with him.  The beach could wait.  And it did.....here I am.  It was of course the right decision.  This morning I thought, it's a strange feeling to be grateful to be here, because of course a big part of me still wishes I was there, with him.  I'll try not to over think it and just enjoy my waves.

Rainbows

So one of many days I have dreaded....10/10.  My girlfriend told me that she thought I was seeing all those double rainbows because of something to do with my dad.  When she said that, I was skeptical, but appreciative.  Today, while driving I encountered a lovely sunset.  What was most remarkable about it, was that there were little rainbows on each side of the sun.  It's hard to make out in this picture, but just left of the distant tower, there is a little blur of slight color.  That is a rainbow that followed me for at least an hour, and for many many miles.  My dad left just after 7:00 pm, and I remember my cousin telling me how lovely the sky had been during the time of my dad's last hour here.  And tonight, the sky was lovely....and somehow there was a crazy rainbow.....yet no rain.  Maybe my girlfriend was right.  Anyway, looking back on a year ago tonight is not a good experience.  Maybe I'll just hope for better days....and for my little ship to be welcomed by him when it's my turn.

A Candle for Him

Here's a view from St. Paul's alter where my dad conducted his first mass when he became ordained.  
I lit a candle for him yesterday.  

Cheers

I know I've mentioned before that we loved Cheers, and I would watch it with him all the time.  We could watch re-runs from 20 years ago, that we each had seen 5 times over, and we'd still laugh.  Needing a distraction during this evening I find Cheers  is on, and it was one of those classic episodes, from early on, with Coach.  I wish I could have picked up the phone to call him about this crazy coincidence....to say I miss him is a significant understatement.  

10/8/2007

This time last year, he was slipping away.  It's funny how denial works.  I remember this day last year, and I remember calling Hospice to ask questions because he didn't seem himself, and I thought it was the medication.  They told me what it was, but when he was gone two days later, I still could not comprehend what had happened.......he had JUST been in the pool.  What I remember most from this day last year was his smile at me, when my mom clearly nudged him to remember it was my birthday.  And I remember that he made an extraordinary effort to get out of bed, come out to be with us in the living room, probably because it was my birthday.   Again, that smile over at me, him in his chair and me on his side of the couch.  And then I will never ever forget that he WALKED over to the table in order to write the birthday card that took him 30 minutes to write, that was 4 sentences long.  The most amazing gift ever given.  This day isn't my day....it's his.  And so here I am back where I left him over father's day.  The box is a little worn by the weather and elements....but he's still there.  And I am profoundly grateful for that...I don't know what I would have done if I rolled up and he was gone.  

10/7/2007

This isn't a picture from 10/7/07, but this is him, in the pool, about two months earlier, "chillin" as he would say.  I posted this picture of a picture (taken by my sister) because during his last day, full of life, he watched football with us all, which was "the best Redskins game he had ever seen" and then came back and got in the pool.  I remember we didn't stay in for quite as long as we usually would, because he felt tired.  So then we went home.   That was the last day that he was himself....and that day was today.  The next day he was clearly slipping away.

So today on 10/7/08, all I can think about is that game, and that pool.  I think he would be happy to know that anniversary of his last game, that he loved so much, was a good one.  And as I have said before, up until his very last day full of life, he was living to the fullest.