Fuck Cancer

When he got sick he was completely determined to treat it, fight it, and live with it.  He wanted to get the treatment he needed but continue to live his life, as regularly as possible.  He would say to the doctor during conversations about chemo "can I continue to work, like Tony Snow?" Even at 75, with late-stage cancer, he still wanted to be able to work-what a man.  At the time, Tony Snow was battling his second round with cancer, and needing chemo, all the while continuing in his high pressure job.  He was a source of inspiration for my dad, even though he (and I) couldn't disagree with him more politically and professionally.  But cancer eliminates those barriers that separate us.  At the time, I just wanted my dad to be able to work, and live, as Tony Snow had been doing.  Now I would just settle for live.  Yesterday, Tony Snow died, leaving behind three young kids, and a wife.  My heart hurts for his family.    I know my dad doesn't take kindly to this news, I can see him shaking his head, his mouth pulling to the side, making an audible sound-as if to say, "shucks."   

Repeating History

Back in the day, he lived in town.  So did my Godfather.  They both used to shop for their alcohol from one place in particular.....it was Pearson's.  It was probably at least a year after I lived in town and was frequenting Pearson's that I realized it was his ol' stomping grounds. Since learning that, I always took some measure of pride of being a second generation customer.  I still do, it's just different now....every time I walk in I think of him, and it hurts. And I walk in frequently.

Clouds in Heaven

When I saw these clouds, I thought of him.  I knew why, but I was having a hard time finding the words to write it, until I found what I wrote to him in my journal on 12/18/2007:

"Dear Daddy,

Back when I was younger, I pictured the after life as a spot on a big, puffy cloud.  I would look up at the sky and see a cloud and think "one day that will be my spot."  With that "spot" came the ability to look over my friends & family-keeping tabs on them.  Can you see me?  Are you with me?  I would feel some sense of comfort if I knew you were here in some way, however different it may be from how I want you here.  Sometimes I feel you pushing me along-or coming in my dream to ask me the question, "what about me is the same?"  Perhaps you leaving will be what teaches me to have faith?  Faith that although unseen you are still here somehow, guiding me, giving me help, showing me answers to some pretty dark questions, and just keeping tabs on me.  So if you can, stay near me."  

So that is what it is, when I see the crisp, puffy clouds that look so heavenly to me.....I see him in my naive image of after-life, and he seems nearby.

17th & K

For a period of time, he worked downtown with my mom.  Whenever I drove past this part of town with them, they would both sort of drop whatever we had been talking about to search about for "their corner" or "their building" or "their park" (pictured above).  Of course, this would be some 35 years later (give or take) and they still both needed to spot their "old haunts."  He really loved my mom.

In the last year of his life, I was working downtown at 21st & K.  My sister was working at 17th & K (when east side).  Small small word.

Signage

Here I am in a random city, heading to a baseball game, just for the sake of seeing a stadium.  Yeah he would be into this.  And literally, just two or three blocks away, is this church.  He was definitely deeply defined and lived by his faith.  Before I was here, he was priest.....a very good priest by all accounts, and by some of the times I have seen him shine in his forms of ministry.  Although we didn't see eye-to-eye on the subject of religion, I always have had a deep respect for his faith, for his contribution, and for how I firmly believe it guided him to be the incredibly kind, decent, unselfish, all-loving person that he was.  Perhaps not literally, but figuratively, a Saint.

Bull and Finch

So I went to Boston.  He was a big fan of Cheers.  I was a huge fan of Cheers, because for some unknown reason I was allowed and encouraged to watch this show, which can still make me laugh out loud.  He and I would still talk about some of our favorite moments from Cheers, even up to and including some of his final years...we are talking 15 years later.  If I was with him, and a rerun came on, we considered it a gold mine.  One of his most memorable episodes was when Norm ended up carrying Evan Drake across his front yard in his pajamas.  This would crack him up anytime he saw Evan Drake (Tom Skerritt) in the many years to follow.  In turn, I cannot see him without thinking of my dad cracking up laughing.  It was just another thing that we bonded over....it was the simple things he included me in that made me feel so included.

Bounty Hunters

Whenever I would take a train trip, he would always advise me, in the most serious of voices..."you gotta be on the look out for bounty hunters and bandits."  I would always entertain this line of advice from him, and I would even discuss the possibility of a good ol' fashion murder-mystery while ridin the rails.  It's my first time on the train since he left, and I was consumed with thoughts of him, and what he would be saying to me on the phone....."have you looked everyone over real good?"  or  "the bandits can come up over the hills quickly with their horses" or "are there any suspicious looking folks on your train"....actually this would go on and on.  This was most true during my cross country train trip.  Every day we would go over all the questionable characters or goings-on.  He was so much fun.

Soundtrack of His Life (2)

So tonight, my friend and I were in an Irish bar with an Irish band.  I begged Verly to go ask them to play "Four Green Fields" and because she is far more courageous than me, she did it for me.  I didn't even have to tell her why I wanted them to play the song.  She walked up and said "Four Green Fields" and he just nodded his head and then played it two songs later.  It's on his "Soundtrack of His Life."  And I really believe that although it's about suffering of a totally different type, place, and time, that it must have resinated for him and his family's heritage.  It was hard hearing it live for the first time since he left me, but I am completely grateful for it, and I owe it to Verly.  

Rain Storms

Since I grew up in the near-in suburbs, I never "saw" rain like this....until he took me west.  I remember, like it was yesterday (I was 8 years old), driving through the flat, wide open plain states, with not a tree in sight.  Off in the distance, I would see these huge blots of gray and he explained that was rain falling.  I was amazed by that....because my experience with rain was just that it falls on top of you!  And so whenever I can "see" rain storms I think of that trip, back to his "homeland."  It definitely became one of my favorite sights.  This was a storm that I spotted from DC, that was clearly falling across the river, in Virginia.    

Videotape

Since I heard this song for the first time live, I fell in love with it.  But now I listen to it about once a day because it is so poignant both musically and lyrically.   Several of the lyrics pull at me every time I listen.  One specific lyric "today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen...."  He said something similar to me the day before I believe he started his slow slip away.  I let him in the car, came around and sat behind the drivers seat, he leaned over a little bit and told me "that was the best Redskins game I have ever seen."  It was a very good game, but that description has always stuck with me, because it seemed slightly over the top since he had seen a lot of great Skins games.  But I think I understand now.

Here it is, Radiohead Live